Retired Guys and Shopping

Since I retired, my wife insists that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. I dislike shopping and she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs.Lynch,

We cannot tolerate the commotion your husband has caused in our store over the past six months. We have been forced to ban both of you from the premises. Our surveillance cameras document the following list of complaints against your husband:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in house wares. Get on it right away. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers that they could go camping in the tent if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. September 12: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. September 19: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 1: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 2: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 6: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.